Syracuse Business Daily

What do you think of my college essay? Specific advice as well as general commentary is helpful.?

Prompt: Our students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging. I was first introduced to the stock market by my father. He liked to talk to me about how his portfolio was doing; even though I understood little of what he said. At the time, (I must have been in 6th or 7th grade) the stock market failed to capture my interest. I didn’t understand what made the market work, or even why it was needed. For some time, I was perfectly content to live in ignorance. Early in my freshmen year, I overheard some students at my high school talking about how they were going to make a fortune by trading in stocks. They used several terms I didn’t know, and I went home that day determined to expand my knowledge on the subject. My first resource on the stock market was the internet. After a few days of research, I had a rudimentary grasp on the principles behind the stock market. I learned that price was dependent on how highly investors value a company. I learned about initial public offerings, and why stocks existed in the first place. Most importantly, I realized that the stock market could be beaten by using superior logic. It wasn’t long after I discovered the stock market that I decided to try my hand at it. One of the sites that I had gotten information from also happened to have a fantasy stock market game. I joined, and bought my initial portfolio; which consisted of three familiar companies. The next day, I rushed home after school to see how I did—all three stocks were up. All I could think about was that I had been right three times out of three. My exuberance was short lived. By about a month into the simulation (and many trades later) I was down substantially. To me, being down in the simulation only meant that I had to learn more before I could win. I began reading books on the market and started following it every day. Now, in my senior year, I am up over 90% in the simulation. The stock market has become one of my favorite concepts to think, read, and theorize about.

Public Comments

1. I would find this disturbing. This would say to me that this student is so fixated on the worst aspects of material gain that s/he thinks beating the stock market is an intellectual pursuit.
2. it shows that you have the desire to become an entrepreneur with a keen interest in the stock market. i assume you are applying to a college with a strong business program? if that is your goal then good for you! however i think the issue with your essay is that the stock market is not an intellectual subject. it makes you look like just another guy who is obsessed in making a fast buck in the market. problem with the market is that it doesn't follow any logic and no simulation or books can give you superior knowledge to beat it. writing about your gains in the simulation isn't something that will impress the reader of your essay. (dumb people can make money off stocks too). and you probably don't want to talk about the fantasy stock market game. it is a game. but i know what you're trying to communicate- that you have a strong interest in finance/business and you're using the stock market as a tool to learn about the dynamics of trading, business, etc. the essay's focus is intellectual vitality and i don't think being 90% up in a stock market simulation fits the scope. i'm afraid they won't take you seriously.
3. briefly: the prompt says to talk about a time when you were intellectually engaged. excitement about making money is not the best example of this. perhaps you can think of a great conversation you had about economics in general that opened your mind instead of just relating an anecdote about the fact that you are not yet rich.